I’ve been watching some ATLA, and am relating my current journey to those of the characters in the show. I always liked the episode titled Zuko Alone, and it feels applicable.
The past few weeks have shaken a lot up for me. In some ways, I’ve felt like my reality of what I believed to be true is now a little frayed. One example – the concept of friendship has been shaken, and what it means to me and how I perceive it means to other people. I think in some ways, I am thinking more about how other people think of friendship and maybe that is messing me up a bit. This part of me that seeks to control the narrative is realizing that maybe how I perceive relationships with others is not the same way back. It doesn’t just apply to direct friends, but any relationship. It makes me worry that I was wrong and that maybe I do not have as many friends or people who care about me as I care about them. This feeling leads to a sort of insecurity that wants to back away from everything, to pull back within myself. The internal voice says that I can only trust myself.
I can’t tell where these feelings start and end. Is it a combination of working too much? Because I was sick? Or do I really feel alone?
In these moments, the differences between me and other people seem to be underlined and highlighted. It makes me feel like that no one can understand, even though I don’t logically believe that to be true. Before these moments, in my happy moments, I do not focus on the differences between me and others. Instead, I focus on the similarities and enjoy those moments with those people.
Maybe we all are alone in some ways. Those who do not believe they are might not actively think about the differences.
The conversations lately are more about how I am different rather than how I am similar. So maybe I need to be more proactive about recognizing the similarities.
It also seems natural that leadership leads to a smaller pool of people who can relate to experiences. One of my strengths is usually to get people who live in other worlds to relate to one another. Maybe this is the source of my struggle. I have always been that person who has a foot in multiple doorways. I do not want to subscribe to a single path/ background. I am a jack of all trades and master of none. Therefore, masters of a specific craft do not interest me. Maybe it’s harder to find people that stay in the middle. Or maybe this is just another example of me trying to separate my identity from others.
I am sure both are true. But how does that help me move forward? Is the answer for me to choose which truth I am going to live? Does one move me towards happiness and one towards depression?
I know there are people out there who have had thoughts like this or can relate. I just wish that I could find one of them to talk with.
I was thinking about how my dad had these 500 people at his funeral, and I am wondering how he did that. How did he cause that many people to feel like he impacted them enough to want to pay respects? Do I feel like I am impacting others in this same way? Right now, it feels like I am not… but even that feels like just a pity party because logically I know that is not true with conversations with people who send me gratitude. I imagine my dad would have been surprised by his depression that so many people thought fondly of him, so I must be walking a similar path of just not ‘seeing’ it. Or maybe I am seeing it, and still feeling like it’s not good enough, like I need more.
