This topic came back up about a week ago and I think its definitely worth writing about.
When you lose someone to suicide, its very easy to question ‘why?’. Realistically, we will never know the answer. After I looked back, I started to understand better ‘why’. My mom had told me that my dad feared that he would hurt her. For anyone that knew my dad, my mom included, this was a silly thing. Unfortunately, because it was so out of character, we didn’t really think too much about it. I also knew my dad was having a lot of trouble sleeping which also is not a good thing. I speculated later that he must have been afraid of what was inside his mind. I think he was afraid that there was something inside he could not control.
Not long after, I was talking to my sister about this theory. She had just read an article about dark thoughts. It’s this idea that we all have dark thoughts. One moment you could be sitting there imagining hurting someone or hurting yourself, and then the next moment you sit there horrified at your thoughts.
I remember in college, I was in a writing class of some sort. One of the students said something along the lines of, ‘yea, like when you are driving down the road and you just imagine driving into oncoming traffic.’ Everyone gasped in horror. That’s the stigma. I on the other hand knew exactly what he was talking about.
We all have these dark thoughts within us, but I am certain they manifest in different ways for everyone. I think that is why it makes it so hard for people to understand mental illness. Someone might say ‘I would NEVER consider taking my own life.’ and while that might be true for them, they may be someone who has contemplated hurting another person. I think we have a better chance of coming together if we recognize that we all have a bit of darkness within us.
If this sounds a bit hypocritical based on my spiritual beliefs, it is not really. I think our souls are made of pure light and love. However, we are contained within our human brain. I think that our human/animalistic side is where the darkness originates from. A recent book I read says that the human ego is the source of all fear. I agree with this statement. I also think fear leads to the source of all darkness. I believe that our souls choose to live with these dark thoughts to help us learn to love ourselves and one another. I suppose that is the same concept as learning through opposites.
For my dad, I feel like his fear of this darkness inside of him and the fear of discussing it openly perpetuated the situation. If we look at these thoughts and notice they are not something that could jump out the second we stop suppressing them, we would have nothing to fear. We could speak openly about them and learn to accept them as part of our human existence.
