Two weekends ago, I made some deep connections to further understanding of my father’s depression. This was important because it was assisting me to unlock myself. My entire life, I have been compared to my dad. I look like him, I think like him, I even had someone tell me I walk like him. As I wrote in my last post, I even received a prophecy letting me know that I suffer from the same depression that my father did.
This story starts in a very specific way. By following my desire to connect with the wisdom that others gain, I asked a colleague my standard question – “What is one book that helped you become the person you are today?”. After receiving this book, I realized that I could not get it in on Audible. This became the tipping point where I recognized that I need to read more actual books. I had a growing list of books that people have given me and it was time for me to start actually reading them.
This led me to a Christmas gift from my father in 2016. Contained within was a collection of his writings (poems, newspaper clippings, etc.). Additionally, he included a copy of a book he self-published when he was ~29 years old. I had never read the book and never really had an interest in reading it. However, through side discussions with other people, I recognized that I should give it a try. I do believe that if someone takes the time to write and publish a book, regardless of what it is about, there is something to gain from it. The amount of energy that goes into creating is powerful and therefore it deserves a certain respect.
When I looked at the back cover of this book, I recognized it had an ISBN number. I had no idea that the book was that legit. I did a quick Google search, and sure enough, the book popped up right away. Obviously the book cannot be purchased anywhere, however, it contained the publish date, the title, and the pen name author my dad went by.
I took a picture and sent it to my family text. My mom was very surprised to see it there as well. However, it led to some challenging conversations. My mom mentioned that when my dad published the book it was a really low point for him. She had many of his journals that she was reading through that were dated back to around the time he published the book. She mentioned that he was in depression because no one would buy the book. This took a big toll on him because he was considering becoming an author.
I felt like I fully was able to empathize with this depression he faced. I know that my dad was always proud of his good grades and the social life that he had in high school and college. I think he knew he would be something. He probably was even told this by other people. I pointed out that he must have had this image of who he would be after graduating college and he was not reaching that perceived potential that he knew was within. I see plenty of people that struggle after graduating with these same thoughts. I think it is remarkably common that people are highly critical of what they are doing right out of college. They want to make sure they are on the path or in the correct career that they will be for the rest of their lives. Since he was on the verge of 30, I imagine that he was even more concerned that he wouldn’t reach the goals he wanted.
My mom also mentioned that he wrote about how he wanted to write a book, own his own business, and hold a position in local politics. Talk about manifesting! He did all three of those things.
I think what was interesting to me is that this depression was truly something that he dealt with his entire life in some form or another. I don’t think that it was ever as potent until the years leading up to his passing, but it was still within.
After driving over to be with my mom, we continued to chat about everything in person. My father was a very energetic person. I was always astounded at how much he was able to accomplish. He was a landlord of many properties, all of which he self-managed (I can hardly just keep up with my one house!). He also owned and operated his own small engineering firm. In 1994, he also was elected into the State of Florida’s House of Representatives and kept his seat until his 8-year term was up in 2002. My mom mentioned that the beginning of this final depression started when he lost a campaign in 2012 to be in the Florida State Senate.
To briefly touch on my father’s political career, he did not have a party affiliation when he was younger. However, he had told me that when he was trying to run for office, he knew that he needed to pick an affiliation to get elected. Since he was more conservative in what he believed, he decided to align with the Republican Party. My favorite stories after his passing were when people that came from both parties (Republican and Democrat) would speak highly about my father’s character. He was known to vote against the Republican party if he disagreed with them. Also, he was known to read through every new law from top to bottom to make sure that nothing was thrown in that should not be there. Lastly, after he passed, the governor had flags put at half staff in his honor.
Anyway, in 2012 a strange situation occurred. Our district’s state senator was asked to step down because he ‘allegedly’ (definitely) took a bribe. In a scramble, the GOP looked to find any Republican politician within the district. Because of his past experience, they approached my dad to run for the seat. Everything was going well until the GOP decided to have someone else take the nomination. The new nominee was not technically in the district, but through some shady politicking, he was able to get his paperwork set up to allow him to run in the district. I personally think that the GOP knew my father was willing to vote against them if it was not something he believed in. He was a bit of a wild card for them and so they found someone else.
My dad was still living in the 90s in regard to how we campaigned. We did a traditional grassroots campaign. There was so much positive energy from the people that committed to voting to him for this new election, it seemed like that my dad would be able to put up a bit of a fight against the new nominee. My mom mentioned how she was amazed at how much energy he had. He would get up at 4 am to go wave at cars at intersections, then go to work, and then go back to waving after work.
On election day, he was absolutely demolished by the competition. Campaigning came a long way from what it was in the 90s, back when you could go door to door and make fun campaign music videos (video1 video2).
My mom said that this must have taken the wind out of him. I speculated that just like when he was 29, the image of who he was in his mind was called into question. He imagined that he had more support than he actually did. It probably made him question who he was and what his legacy was. Over the course of a few years, this would live in the back of his mind. I think that every time something with his business failed or fell through, or something with his rental properties broke, the perception of what he believed himself to be was called into question. I think after he got the wind knocked out of him, he didn’t have the drive and energy to support all of the things that he was involved in. That in itself also took a toll, because he was recognizing that he couldn’t keep up with what he was once able to.
Everything that my mom and I speculated rang true with my intuition. I can’t explain it other than that. I just knew it to be true. Maybe its because I can have similar thoughts and feelings like this too and I just understand. Through my newfound understanding, I was beginning to break the shackles of this prophecy I was given. I was understanding myself because I was tapping into this understanding of my father.
