It is coincidental that when I started taking notes and writing thoughts down was almost exactly 2 years ago today. In fact, this poem that I am referencing was last modified on November 25, 2019.
Two years ago, on November 22, 2019 my mother-in-law passed away from breast cancer. It was only a year and a half after my dad passed and only 8 months after my wedding. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent surgery/ chemotherapy and beat it before the wedding. However, in September of 2019, it was determined that the breast cancer spread to the brain. My mother-in-law went in for surgery but, due to complications and the difficulty of the surgery, was forced into a coma that lasted until she passed away.
Jennifer Manning was one of those people that loved to support everyone around her with everything she could. She also had a very memorable laugh. One that I can hear in my head very clearly to this day. Around the same time, I was reading books that suggested we choose when we are born and when we die, and it made me question the timing of everything. For Caitlyn, this was no doubt the hardest thing she would have to face. After my father passed, Caitlyn focused on mental health and getting therapy to process grief, which ultimately set her up to better handle processing the loss of her mother. Caitlyn and I would discuss later on how we could not imagine the events occurring in reverse order. I also feel like Jennifer must have chosen to stay and be healthy for our wedding. It just seems so strange that she could have been cleared of cancer just months before. If anything, it allowed for our wedding to be experienced without any fear or concern too.
Her time in a coma was very difficult. The roller coaster of good news and bad news just made it tough to know how to feel every day. However, I think she stayed and fought for the amount of time that everyone needed to be prepared to process the loss of her presence. I know that on the day of her passing, Caitlyn was receiving signs through texts and calls that the time was approaching. One said ‘the patient is ready to see you now’ from an unknown number. As Caitlyn started driving home, her mother passed away on the drive over.
I left work at that same time. We all said our goodbyes. I remember as she was being taken away, thoughts started to form in my brain to write a poem. I find it a little odd. I am not a poet, nor do I think of writing poems. I had read before that when someone passes away, they often try very hard to get the attention of those alive to show a sign that they are okay. However, grief lowers people’s vibrations significantly where they are unable to receive signs or messages. Since I was aware of this, I leaned into what was happening and just went with it. I started typing out what was coming through in my mind. I did some edits over the next few days, but this is what came out:
“My Light”
It was a long and perilous fight,
But now I am one with my light.
I am with you whether you notice or not.
Though, the rules demand I cannot be seen or caught.
I know that you believe me to be gone.
Truly, this could not be more wrong.
If you choose to find me, I will be there.
I will send signs and show I am everywhere.
I know that this is hard to bear,
But now I give you my light to share.
Use my light to continue in love.
Help guide and heal while I am up above.
Do not be afraid, this story is not the end.
Find me today and allow your heart to mend.
The chords of light between our souls will tether.
Always remember, my love, our lives are bound forever.
I always felt like this poem was a co-authorship, or at least that is how I view it. I was initially concerned to share this with anyone. Grief is tricky because it is different for everyone. I knew that this poem shared my views on life and the other side, but I did not know if it would resonate. Caitlyn suggested the poem be added to the back of the memorial card at the funeral. I also posted to Facebook and shared it with some others at work. In general, it was very well received.
