I do not believe myself to be a hero. However, I find myself enamored by the hero’s journey. From a young age, I have always loved Greek and Roman mythology. They were the original comic book stories! Not only that, I really aligned with Peter Parker throughout my high school years. I always wanted to be a hero, and I hope that one day I feel like I am. I am aware of the concept that we are all heroes in our own lives, but I believe that a hero is only defined as such by those around them. Maybe with this definition, I am doomed to failure because I would be basing myself by others’ perceptions… but I digress. This is a different thought for another day. I believe that the hero’s journey is very important, and I believe that we all will one day begin this journey. The when and how differs for everyone, but it does start with one common point. Tragedy.
Let me begin by saying that I am an engineer through my profession. However, I am sure at this moment I look less like a man of science to those that hear me speak, but let me rewind time a bit to explain who I am.
In my younger years, I grew up with religion all around me. My parents never forced religion down on my siblings, because they wanted us to believe whatever we decided we wanted to. Regardless, the school was a different story. With my private education, I was told to believe in this concept, without putting much thought into it. Just have faith, that is all that is needed. Luckily for them, it did work on me at that age. Tell me as a kid to believe in miracles and magic? It did not take much to sell me on it. It wasn’t until I was older and able to question these concepts that I became… imbalanced.
My high school years, as I am sure is the case with many people, were very challenging. My home life was not anything I should have struggled with, but I found a way to be rebellious and challenging to my loving parents. When I look back on it now, it is evident that my inner conflict was breaking through. I was recognizing that God, religion, and so much that I was taught just did not make sense to me. I remember in my Sophomore year I read a book called Joshua. This book completely changed my perception of the Catholic Church, and it still does to this day. This honestly challenged a core part of who I was. Without religion, I felt lost. I couldn’t understand the point of life if nothing existed after all of this. I found myself in fear often. I had my rational mind at war with my spiritual side and I never felt whole.
This was a battle that was internal, but what did I look like to the outside world? To those around me, I was just a typical antisocial, nerdy boy. To those that got to know me, I was known as the guy ‘with wisdom beyond his years’. People came to me all the time to discuss their problems. These people that got to know me, I gave my all to them, and I always put everyone around me 100 miles above myself. I didn’t realize it then, but I had a lot of anger, though it was only expressed internally. I found myself always blaming other people for my problems. I could not understand why I felt so alone and unloved. I spent so much time caring for other people, so why would no one care for me? The real answer is I put people’s feelings before mine so much that I wouldn’t even let them be there for me. I did not recognize that I isolated myself.
It wasn’t until my Junior year that this changed. I broke my collarbone playing lacrosse, and I required surgery to recover. My mind shifted from that day forward. I looked at this injury as a blessing. A way to get better. I trained myself, as I recovered, to use my left hand to play lacrosse. I saw life through a different lens. I became a believer that things happened for a reason, and I felt like I was who I was for a reason. I started to recognize that I had a lot to offer the world, and I no longer let myself feel that I needed to be a certain person to other people. I began to love myself, and this changed everything. The injury left me with a big gruesome-looking scar. My dad wanted me to get plastic surgery to help improve what people would see, but I told him that this scar was a badge to me. I wanted it to be a reminder for my whole life that I went through this change of mindset. This was the symbol of self-love that I always wanted to remember.
It’s funny… This post did not exactly play out how I envisioned. I wanted to talk about the tragedy that forever changed my life and what started my true journey. I think this article unfolded in a way to remind me that my hero journey started in high school far before what I perceived was the turning point. This is further proof that I have always been the individual I am today regardless of which tragedies befell me. Let’s call high school the prequel. The tragedy that really pushed me to start my journey came on February 19, 2018. It is why I am writing these words.
This post is already enough words for one night, so I’ll end with this thought to attempt to salvage my initial thoughts:
TL;DR – I am no hero, but I hope one day I will be. All I know is that I am walking the path to becoming my true self. I just hope that this self is able to impact the people around me to an extent that at the end of my days, I can look back and be proud of my story.
