I have spent so long crediting one of my most difficult days as the beginning of such a wonderful journey that in some ways I honestly look back fondly on the event. To so many people, this may be such a horrid thing to say, but really I am just grateful of who I am today, and I wouldn’t want to change who I am.
February 19th, 2018 my dad took his life. Looking back, I am fortunate that I saw such a large community join in mourning his passing. It made it easier to know that I did not need to preserve some sort of legacy. I did not need to tell people how great a person he was because everyone knew. There were many tributes and memories shared for dad (including flags put at half staff for him at the state capitol!), but my favorite story was when someone reached out to me over Facebook. He told me that he was a convict, and my dad gave him a place to start a barbershop when many other people wouldn’t. He told me that his barbershop was still thriving. I don’t know how this guy found me, and when I look back on it now I am still very confused as to how this happened. Anyway, he was great, and people loved him. I think these are the people that try their best to keep the world happy because they know what it’s like to be truly in darkness. We knew Dad was not sleeping for a while and he also had so much stress on him. He owned his own business, he was close to retiring, he had so many rental properties that he was managing by himself, and so much more. There was just no escape. I think he realized that his mind was not able to keep up with his high standards anymore, and that was such a huge part of his identity.
On that day, I remember at work I interviewed someone who ended up working with me. I was so excited to share this with my dad, but I never got to have that conversation. Usually, when I think back to the day he died, my mind instantly thinks – oh, this is the day I also met my co-worker. It’s a strange feeling of having a moment of sadness and then translating into something good.
Immediately after this day, I knew I could no longer sit around and question myself on what I believed came next after this life. I needed to find as much proof as I could. Throughout my life, I was drawn to stories of medical miracles, or anything that science could not explain. The first book I picked up was honestly by mistake, but it was exactly what I needed to get started.
My cousin, Ruth, gave my sister a recommendation of a book that was written by a neuroscientist. The book was meant to bring the readers closer to what heaven was. This was something that interested me because, at that time, I needed a book that was both scientific and spiritual. I knew that I was drawn to people that were defined by science but then brought to religious experiences. An experience that would cause someone to undergo this transformation would need to be significant.
So what did I do? I Googled ‘Neuroscientist book soul’. The book I found, was not what was recommended, but it was exactly what I needed. The recommended book was Proof of Heaven by Dr. Eben Alexander. The book that I picked up was Mind of God by Dr. Jay Lombard. This book gave me goosebumps as I read it. Almost every word that came out was something that I synchronized with. It was unbelievable, I felt so drawn in. It was like I found a piece of a puzzle that had been missing, and setting that puzzle piece allowed me to continue going forward and complete more of it. I did not realize how stuck I was at the time, but this was the first step into such a mindful and self-loving journey.
Tragedy is part of the package deal of being human, but we are the ones that get to decide how much pain comes with that tragedy. Trust me, sometimes I wanted to feel more pain from my dad’s death. There are some ways where pain makes me feel comforted because it is a form of connection back to my dad. However, there are other ways to connect with people who have passed on, and they are far more lasting. What I found not only helped me to feel connected to my dad at all times, but it also helped me to feel connected to everyone around me. I know that I carry my dad with me everywhere, and I am so grateful for his guidance from the other side. I feel as though I am becoming what I came to Earth to become, and that is the best gift I could ever receive.
