I am certain there is some wise proverb about needing to have a strong foundation to weather storms. While I felt like I was making some general progress in coming to a state of balance, I woke up to an email from someone from the UK and my day was just toppled. I rarely get so caught up in these types of things. It has me wondering if something is still off with me, or if it was just a unique situation. It’s probably because there are a lot of things circling in my mind and I am worried that I am making no progress. I worry that I need to be the one to worry or else things won’t get done and that puts an immense amount of pressure on me.
The email from the UK made me question all of my approaches. It challenged my imposter syndrome, and even though I know that I am right, I am worried that it won’t matter time will be wasted and I will be the one losing in the end. I feel lost on this project. I went to my general manager because I wanted someone to look at the problem and help guide me. He specifically told me “I am fried, let’s pick this up tomorrow. I don’t want to say something I regret”. So now I am partially worried that he’s going to yell at me for not handling the situation better tomorrow. We will see if that is just beating myself up or solid intuition.
Either way, after I went to him, I was able to kick myself out of my funk and come up with a plan to move forward. But I am getting exhausted. I need help for this project, and to some extent I have it. However, it’s still a little bit of the blind and inexperienced leading the blind and inexperienced.
I then spent the time talking with one of the leaders before I went home for the day. What I can affirm for myself, is no one in this organization pushes to get things done. I feel like I am going against the grain everywhere just for the sake of challenging people to get out of the theoretical and prove something. But I think people left to their own devices would rather come to work push off the work until tomorrow, go home, and repeat.
What is wrong with me? What do I need to get out of all of this? What is the lesson? To not care as much? That seems like the wrong thing to do.. I know my passion is my strength. So what is it…?
